Immaculate Cottage

The original MLS listing for the cottage was a tremendous work of fiction. Real-Estate agents should write novels in their downtime. Here's what our listing said:

Immaculate 3 Bedroom Cottage With Pine Cathedral Ceilings

Imm.... immaculate!? Shut up. What does "immaculate" mean to you? The OED says "Pure, spotless, faultless". I hope the listing agent has cataracts, because otherwise that one's just a flat-out lie.

3 bedrooms (accurate). 

Pine cathedral ceilings? Is soffit made out of pine? It looks like plastic from where I stand. The ceilings do slope, though, so we'll have to let her get away with "cathedral".

Newer Wood Stove

Ahh... sneaky. "newer" relative to what? or to whom? Newer than Neolithic? You betcha!

Eat-in Kitchen

She also could have listed "Eat-in living room" and I wouldn't have been able to justify docking her points.

Steel Roof

Full marks! But only on one of the buildings.

Two, Two-room Bunkies, One With Sauna

Ah... one of them has three rooms, all equally uninhabitable.

On A Beautiful Gently Sloping Private Lot Only Minutes To Mainland

Beautiful = clover, dandelions, and if you hit the long grass, abundant poison ivy.

Sloping = don't let your lawnmower get away from you or you'll be fishing it out of the lake.
Private = neighbors within spitting distance who are regularly trotting past your back door.

Only minutes to Mainland? Even if it took me 7 hours to get there it could still be counted in "minutes" (420 minutes, to be precise!), so not inaccurate per se. Do you suppose Realtors take classes in obfuscation?

Boat Access Only

True. Unless you have a float plane or a transmogrifier.

Deeded Parking Space At Marina

Ah.... No. Deeded parking in a grassy field off one of the side roads where you can store your trailer. Parking spot at the marina is only yours if you pay for the slip.
 

Boat Negotiable

No thanks

 

Incredible Value Only 75 Minutes From Gta.
Can I hit the GTA within 20 minutes of my home? If not, this is a stretch. (I'm a little thrilled that I don't actually know the answer to that. I live EAST of the city. Never closer.)

Listen To The Waves And Watch The Sunsets From A 32 X 6 Covered Balcony At Water`s Edge.
Ahhhh... now finally there is a grain of truth in all of this Realtor doublespeak. 

Sitting in the ♪ Rocking chairs ♫, listening to the waves, and enjoying the sunset directly in front of the cottage has become a bit of a 9 o'clock ritual at the cottage. You just have to train yourself not to notice the industrious spiders.